Dreams and wishes

Again, the dreams.

I have lost count. Haha, these 2 months, i have dreamt more about you than I ever did when we together.

I guess my soul is missing a piece of itself. The end was so abrupt, it was as if I was yanked violently away, tearing myself apart, leaving a piece of it with you.

One can only make himself busy so much. I used to have gaps in time where i would literally slink away into my 'nothing' corner. You could say i had the ability to stone without the need for MaryJ. But now, it seems my 'nothing' corner is somehow linked to you.

I scroll my phone, the phone that you bought me, and whenever I come across your pictures, i stop.

And that very moment it would seem like time itself froze. Memories would just flash through. My heart and my head is embroiled in a conflict.

Whenever i mouth the words 'its over', my heart calls me a liar.

My fingers scroll through ig hoping that you'd appear in my popular post, because I don't want to get stabbed in the heart seeing you with someone else again by visiting yours, to make sure you are ok.

I share a table with another family during lunch and all i could think was how much this man looked like your dad.

Another time, my heart jumped when i thought i saw your mom.

I refuse to go to arab st and tampines because i am so terrified of bumping into you, worse, bumping into you with someone else.

I am desperately clawing my way forward with my feet chained to the past.

I have always come across quotes saying how the happiest person hurts the most inside and now i guess im it.

I still make people laugh. I still make people smile and be happy. I guess that is the only time i can share that joy and smile genuinely myself, knowing i made people laugh.

You know..

I.. would give up a lifetime of happiness, just to hold you in a tight embrace one last, my head buried in your neck drunk with your scent.

I would give up a lifetime of happiness, to be able to hold your hands in mine and look you in the eye and tell how much i miss you. How i still love you. How i still care for you.

I would give up a lifetime of happiness for these little moments, because my happiness lies in being with you.

Missed chances

I had a dream. About you. And I knew it was just a dream. So i embraced you for as long as i could. Because i dont know when i'll ever have that chance again. And then i whispered into your ear, "i miss you."

And here i am in the dark of my room.

A Parting Shot

There is no point in me being bitter about anything, there was a point of time when i was genuinely happy and you were part of it. I grew as a person and you sparked the change. After all you went through, it is fair to say you have tried and i can't really fault you for it.

From this point on, I wish you nothing but happiness and success in all aspects of your life. You are an amazing person and you deserve the best. May you be happier with Ariff, i assume, or whoever it is that made u smile again than you ever were, with me.

Thank you, for all the wonderful memories that came out of us. Thank you for your time with me. Thank you for all that was good. And I seek forgiveness from you, for all the hurt and anguish I have caused.

Moving Ahead

The seeds of doubt was planted. I have always thought if it was unneccessary, don't say it. Now I dont know if it was true or not.

But the seeds of doubt has been planted. And overnight it has grown. It has crowded my mind. And now I think its true. 

Well the weird part is, I am not angry, nor disappointed or sad. I just think about it. That's all. It will go away in time just like every other negative thoughts i have about every other thing.

I don't like to feed the negativity. It is a waste of my mental focus. And right now i need every ounce of my mental focus.

Like Barney said..
When I am sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead.

Well, words have been said that could never be taken back. Again, if its not neccessary dont say it. 'Just saying' has no purpose and does not solve problems.

What's done is done.

Flip the page and walk away Hadi. You know yourself well.

Ps. A 5 min prep surprise and a present that 'havent arrived'... shows how much 'care' some people have for you.

Which is why actions always prove words mean nothing.

Ciao.

No space for you anymore.

Cycling through

Last Wednesday marks the end of Stronglifts 5x5 cycle. Target periodization was 12 weeks but we stopped at 8 or 9 weeks.

Broke a lot of PRs on this program especially with deadlifts.

SQ - 100kg
DL - 140kg
BP - 60kg
OP - 45kg
BR - 50kg

All the above new PR for myself.

SL5X5 was a strength program, designed not for size but for power. No one saw the difference in my build, but I feel the difference and the power.

The numbers speak for themselves.

Next cycle will be the PowerMuscleBurn program, a slightly advanced lifting program designed to increase strength and pack on the size.

This, is where people notice the gains.
This, is where the fun begins.

We will run this progran for minimally 8 weeks. 8 weeks of discipline, clean eating, HIIT cardio, intensive lifting. I know its gonna be worth it in the end.

At the end of Nov, my target weight would be between 80 - 85 kg. That about an increase of approximately 1kg per week.

Let's try to hit 80 first.

Let this be an escape for me. People come and go, feelings change but 200kg will always be 200kg. If there is something constant in my life, there is no doubt this is it. The gym gives you back exactly what you put in, no more, no less.

Lost

I don't think I am strong enough to handle being constantly ignored on a daily basis by someone I love deeply.

It is like having your heart broken on a daily basis.

I feel so lost.

Framed and Hung

When i have my own place, instead of hanging pictures on the walls, im gonna frame up life quotes, dedicated to the flash that is life, reminding one's self to stay happy and we own nothing in this world.

Lost

The day you lose everything, will forever be imprinted.

Irons

Firsts are firsts, gone and forever.
Like time it was, a fading endeavour.
Take it or leave it, never to be.
As it slips by, the soul that was me.

The goal is 85kg. Defined. Not veiny and bulging. It gives what you put in. Always there, never bare. For the iron is as true as it is. 

Blood and sweat

It wasn't a contest with anyone. But with myself. Sometimes the body needs a shocking and that was what i gave it.

Over these past 3 weeks, i think it adapted and found out that i was adding 2.5kg every other session. It was ready for that 2.5kg. Waiting.

I gave it 15kg extra. Boomz!

My dear body,
I am going to hit you from all sides. I have tricks you dont even have a clue about. Im gonna hit you hard, you'd better grow to keep up.

1st week.
40kg squats.

3rd week.
80kg squats.

Train hard, fight easy.

Times of old

Reminded of a time long ago, in a galaxy far away, when we tried to give a couple of boys $10 when we overheard them saying they didnt have enough money and had to share their lunch.

They gave the $10 to someone else in the end.. lol

Lol. Old times. Reminded when a boy dropped $2 at the mosque.

Death Upon Us

Sometimes signs are so obvious its a matter of effort being put in.

'Hendak seribu daya, tanak sudah.'

Circle of Life

Life reaches full circle. Its sickeningly funny how we hit off right before Ramadhan last year, and it ended now, in Ramadhan.

I had real love for the first time in my life, and i threw it away.

Nothing's in store now. Everything looks bleak. I know what rejection feels like, but this. A whole new sunken feeling.

All we have is trust in the divine. And this is paving the way for better to come, especially for her.

i pray and hope you meet someone truly deserving of you.

i love you bachen. and i think i still am going to, for a very long time.

Sound of Silence

Small heart, eat heart, pain heart.

Its like driving with a dirty windscreen, unsure and unclear. It takes rain to wash away everything and boy did it rain tonight.

Now everything is clear and the silence has spoken a thousand truths.

Strike the heart and open the mind.
In silence the answers we find.

The bitter end lingers,
as the vultures circle.
We could point fingers,
But let's work towards a miracle.

Missing the climb

I miss mountains.

Just putting one foot in front of the other. 2 steps forward and 1 step back. The cold air that surrounds you. Looking up to a never ending trail.

Cursing and swearing and thinking why the fuck did I do this.

And the answer comes in the morning as the sun rises. The splendour, the beauty.

I miss mountains.

For Tomorrow!

So this is what working alone on project based scopes feels like.

Rushing home from camp to answer emails, make arrangements and more.

Kind of tough, not something I'm used to...

BUT..

CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.

Afterall, what you do today, improves your tomorrow.

And I desire a comfortable tomorrow to share with the love of my life. =)

Lift It

Oh please please please.

Its been so long since I felt this way. Its been way too long.
My toes were curling, my heart beat so fast.

Make me dream again,
YNWA

Jinx (or not) ?

This is a good day.(or so I thought)

Good banter in the morning at the coffeeshop when uncle kopi caught a snake.

Then I found out I didnt have to pay a cent for my laptop servicing, because it was still under warranty when I thought it wasnt so.

So off to Kallang and voila, Cedele is nearby so I finally got my almond cookies! And while queing, RunSociety decided to let me win a Sundown entry!!

So on the way home, I thought.. everything is going right today. So I wanted to experiment. Lets blog about the day and see if it gets jinxed.

You know how if you're on a roll, dont say anything lest it gets jinxed.

Wanted to see how true that was.

Got back to the office and... yes.. somebody threw away my lunch. My chicken with sambal still there siaaaa...

The curse of words

And just as suspected, much as I love reading and writing..

Somehow they are my kryptonite, naturally occuring melatonin..

My love is a curse, the sleep inducing kind..

Not complaining though..

Tomorrow I want to wake up happy. And spend the day being happy. And write about something happy. And go to sleep with a smile.

Its about time.

Anger management

Oh sleep, so troubled you are these few weeks. Why do I keep waking up in the middle of the night.

3am.

Anyway, might as well get down to writing. I used to love writing. I think, its about time to love again. Bits and pieces first. Bits and pieces.

Anyway, today I got kicked in the head. Sometimes you think you have it figured out, then WHAM! Realisation hits so hard it jars your thought pattern and makes you re-discover.

"Those who forgive but dont forget do not forgive at all. They only keep it aside only to lay it out again when things go wrong."

2 spoken sentences, took less than 1/2 a minute to be said, shook me so hard.

I have got it wrong all these while. And while I agree now, that to forgive IS to forget, it is sooooo hard to really practice.

I had anger issues. I was a short fuse before. But I didn't like to fight. Or argue. I hate it. So when somebody pisses me off, I walk away. I used to tell myself,

"Not worth my time and energy and emotion."

And I believed it that. To the core. That was my stand.

But I needed to vent my anger. Screaming on the highway, hitting walls, I have smashed 3 phones to date. =)

Then when keeping quiet and walking away ate me on the insides, and also, I didn't want to keep spending my money on replacing my phones..

I stopped getting mad. I started getting even.

I would remember EVERY SINGLE argument, transgression and sarcasm that was directed towards me.

And I would hit back, not immediately but when they sting would be felt the most. Talk about kicking someone at their lowest.

Boy did I make some people made.

But as I age, I mellowed, got wiser, became more patient, controlled my words..

Basically, just took shit in. Lol. Well, most of the times anyway..

So it came to this point where when someone apologises, I accept it, remained on good terms but somehow deep down I would remember the wrong-doings.

I guess that still isn't good enough. Not just because a learned man said so, but because I think he's right and I agree.

To forgive is to forget.
To forgive is to forget.

I shall remember this and actively practice it.

What if to forget is not doable?

Well then,
the road is long and stops aplenty. Walk on and never look back..

Missing.

Dear infectious laughter, warm hugs, sparkly eyes, lingering kisses, seductive gazes, beautiful smiles and naughty cuddles..

Please come back soon,
I miss you.
I really do,
with all of my heart.

What if?

What if?

Most of us live our life.. trudging along, afraid of making really big changes and at the end of it all, the one question that comes to us.

What if?

You see, sometimes we get thrown into intersections and we make decisions based on our best ability and knowledge at that defining point and we choose what we think best. But always at the back of our head, it lies.

What if?

And then the ordinary times when we go about our daily routine. Maybe mom made breakfast, we had to eat. We be 5 mins late and missed the bus. Got angry at mom for making us miss the bus..

..Which got into a serious accident and killed everyone onboard.

What if?

Too much uncertainties in life.

What if I never live past today?

Forgive or forget?

At times I can't help but feel a little envious of people who are able to forget. Forget every little injustice they suffered. But can people really forget?

Or do they tuck it away in a little corner of their hearts, only for it to resurface if it happens again?

And then those who forgive. This where I belong. I will never forget anything hurtful that was said or done to me. Never. But I have learnt to forgive. Because when I forgive, I accept that it has been done and there's nothing I can do about. Then I believe I am at peace with both myself and the other party.

Lastly, the champions. The ones who pretended nothing happened. Best of the best.

Torn

Torn.

The Haunted

Almost four, yet still here I am, awake.

Laying in the dark, i cant help but let my thoughts roam.

Light has been the sleep that is visiting,
Haunting has been the thoughts that are dancing.