Coincidence?

Its so weird.

Just this morning, or was it yesterday, i dreamt of you. Calling out to me for help. I brushed it off, thinking it was just a dream, a figment of your memories playing tricks on me.

And suddenly you texted me out of the blue.

I really hope my dream was just a dream, i really hope you are okay.

Bulking Up.

I remember in October, after that hectic 3 weeks of school + work, how I went to the gym with Pek and all he said was.. TIPIS PE KAU. Lost quite a bit of weight then and I think I was at my lowest weight in awhile at 73kg.

Ever since then, I have been bulking, not too aggressively, but definitely some force-feeding went on. I called my meals, 'feeding time'. Worked out aggressively, ate aggressively as well.

And so, 10 weeks on since then..

Yesterday I drove Pek off to the airport, and we saw the weighing scales for the luggage. Decided to jump on one.

80kg. Like finally. I am happy because this is quality mass. Although I'd like a lower percentage of body fats, I think this is good for now. 'Phase 1' is complete. =)

Now its about maintaining this body weight of 80kg, while slowly cutting down on body fat percentage and getting more lean muscle gain. I guess this would take 2 months or so. I am not complaining about the BFPs, hell no. Getting a lot of strength gains as well.

You know you're doing some things right when people start approaching you in the locker room and start asking if they can train with you that day. Or when people start asking what programs you are using.

I am turning into a gym rat. Hahah. But that is my escape. That, and hanging out at CnC all by myself. My 2 escapes.

But 1 thing I still hate doing is the eating.

At 75kg, you eat +500 calories to bulk up. At 80kg, the maintenance level of your caloric intake has now included that +500. For MAINTENANCE. UGH.

What 80kg of mass looks like.

Mom left.

Mom left the house. If there is a breaking point. This is it.

Dreams and wishes

Again, the dreams.

I have lost count. Haha, these 2 months, i have dreamt more about you than I ever did when we together.

I guess my soul is missing a piece of itself. The end was so abrupt, it was as if I was yanked violently away, tearing myself apart, leaving a piece of it with you.

One can only make himself busy so much. I used to have gaps in time where i would literally slink away into my 'nothing' corner. You could say i had the ability to stone without the need for MaryJ. But now, it seems my 'nothing' corner is somehow linked to you.

I scroll my phone, the phone that you bought me, and whenever I come across your pictures, i stop.

And that very moment it would seem like time itself froze. Memories would just flash through. My heart and my head is embroiled in a conflict.

Whenever i mouth the words 'its over', my heart calls me a liar.

My fingers scroll through ig hoping that you'd appear in my popular post, because I don't want to get stabbed in the heart seeing you with someone else again by visiting yours, to make sure you are ok.

I share a table with another family during lunch and all i could think was how much this man looked like your dad.

Another time, my heart jumped when i thought i saw your mom.

I refuse to go to arab st and tampines because i am so terrified of bumping into you, worse, bumping into you with someone else.

I am desperately clawing my way forward with my feet chained to the past.

I have always come across quotes saying how the happiest person hurts the most inside and now i guess im it.

I still make people laugh. I still make people smile and be happy. I guess that is the only time i can share that joy and smile genuinely myself, knowing i made people laugh.

You know..

I.. would give up a lifetime of happiness, just to hold you in a tight embrace one last, my head buried in your neck drunk with your scent.

I would give up a lifetime of happiness, to be able to hold your hands in mine and look you in the eye and tell how much i miss you. How i still love you. How i still care for you.

I would give up a lifetime of happiness for these little moments, because my happiness lies in being with you.

Missed chances

I had a dream. About you. And I knew it was just a dream. So i embraced you for as long as i could. Because i dont know when i'll ever have that chance again. And then i whispered into your ear, "i miss you."

And here i am in the dark of my room.

A Parting Shot

There is no point in me being bitter about anything, there was a point of time when i was genuinely happy and you were part of it. I grew as a person and you sparked the change. After all you went through, it is fair to say you have tried and i can't really fault you for it.

From this point on, I wish you nothing but happiness and success in all aspects of your life. You are an amazing person and you deserve the best. May you be happier with Ariff, i assume, or whoever it is that made u smile again than you ever were, with me.

Thank you, for all the wonderful memories that came out of us. Thank you for your time with me. Thank you for all that was good. And I seek forgiveness from you, for all the hurt and anguish I have caused.

Moving Ahead

The seeds of doubt was planted. I have always thought if it was unneccessary, don't say it. Now I dont know if it was true or not.

But the seeds of doubt has been planted. And overnight it has grown. It has crowded my mind. And now I think its true. 

Well the weird part is, I am not angry, nor disappointed or sad. I just think about it. That's all. It will go away in time just like every other negative thoughts i have about every other thing.

I don't like to feed the negativity. It is a waste of my mental focus. And right now i need every ounce of my mental focus.

Like Barney said..
When I am sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead.

Well, words have been said that could never be taken back. Again, if its not neccessary dont say it. 'Just saying' has no purpose and does not solve problems.

What's done is done.

Flip the page and walk away Hadi. You know yourself well.

Ps. A 5 min prep surprise and a present that 'havent arrived'... shows how much 'care' some people have for you.

Which is why actions always prove words mean nothing.